Perspective

Remember back in August when I pledged my commitment to achieving balance in my life no matter how busy or stressful school got?  I wish I could look back on the past three months and say that I kept that promise to myself, but unfortunately if there was one word to describe this semester it would be "unbalanced."  The near-impossible pace with which the semester has moved, the piling up of assignments and exams, the late nights and early mornings, and the emotions that come along with dealing with illness and death have all taken a toll on me.  Keeping up with the workload and getting good grades have taken up the top spots on my priority list, unfortunately at the expense of exercise, quality time with my loved ones, and other activities that bring me joy.  I am the worst kind of student - the kind that burns themselves out studying, gets 90%, and then complains that they didn't get 95%.

On Monday I have an exam on the pathophysiology and genetics of cancer, a huge and complicated topic.  Doing well on this exam has become my latest academic obsession.  I've spent the last week locked away in my office studying, all the while ignoring the fact that I was sick with a bad cold and needed to rest, snapping at my fiancé if he dared break my concentration, and convincing myself that not doing well on this exam would mean that I was destined to be a bad nurse.  I have been eating, sleeping, and breathing intravasation, proto-oncogenes, prostate specific antigen levels, lymphomas, mesotheliomas, and countless other "omas."

Two days ago I learned that my sister-in-law's best friend had passed away after a three month battle with lung cancer.  She was 21. 

Hearing that news turned my world upside-down, my world that has been so focused on pushing myself as hard as I possibly can to achieve academic greatness, even if it comes at the expense of my physical and mental health, my relationships, and my general sense of well-being.  This is the kind of news that shakes you to the core and makes you question the balance of the universe.  

How incredibly unfair it is that the biggest concern in my life right now is doing well on an exam about cancer while my sister-in-law and countless other people that knew and loved this beautiful girl are mourning the loss of a life to it.  How completely random and incomprehensible that, for whatever reason, I get to wake up tomorrow morning and live another day while someone else does not.

Though I wish the circumstances surrounding it were different, I needed this dose of perspective.  I needed something to force me to take a look at my priorities and the way I'm living my life right now.  School is important, my exam on Monday is important, but living my life in a way that puts these things as top priorities isn't sustainable.  I can't even begin to make sense of the tragedy that has touched the lives of this young girl's many loved ones, but what I will take away from it is this: life is short.  That phrase gets thrown around a lot, so much so that I feel like it's become a bit of a cliché.  But all it takes is a situation like this one to make you realize the terrifying and liberating truth that life can be taken away in an instant.

Go tell someone you love that you love them. 

Bed Baths and Beyond

I know, I know.  

I'm the worst blogger ever.  There have been so many times in the past month when I wanted to sit down and write, but something always got in the way - an exam, a paper, the overwhelming urge to take a nap.  Even now I don't really feel like I have the time to be writing a blog post; the lengthy "to-do" list hanging above my desk is looking down disapprovingly at me and reminding me that I should be studying.  But in an effort to keep myself sane, I'm going to ignore the "to-do" list for a little while. 

This week will mark the half-way point of the semester and while part of me is celebrating the fact that I've made it this far, the other part is feeling doubtful that I'll be able to keep this pace up for the next two-and-a-half years.  It has been a grueling eight weeks and I feel like the stress of this program will take years off my life if I'm not careful about dealing with it effectively.  Not that the stress of being a student is anything new to me, though. Writing essays at the last minute, cramming for exams, falling asleep with my face in a textbook, these are all familiar things.  I've spent the better part of my life being a student so I know how it goes. It's the practical experience, the two days a week I spend in hospital, that has proved to be the most challenging thing so far.

I feel like I'm playing dress-up when I'm in hospital.  When you're in a medical uniform, patients and their families expect you to know what you're doing and look to you for answers.  And while I may look the part in my uniform, I am acutely aware of just how little I know and how limited my skills are at this point.  I know it's all part of learning and that every nurse was once in the place I am now, but I can't help feeling like a bit of a fraud when I present myself at a patient's bedside.  Yes, I'm wearing scrubs and a stethoscope, but if something goes wrong you really don't want me around. 

But I don't want to spend any more time focusing on my insecurities (and believe me, there are LOTS more).  Instead, I'd like to share my favorite thing that has happened in hospital, and the thing that - if only for a few moments - made me feel like a real nurse. 

It happened a few weeks ago when I had to give my first bed bath.  We had practiced giving bed baths to the dolls in the simulation lab at school, but no amount of practicing on dolls can prepare you for the first time you have to expose a complete stranger and wash their body.  The nurse that I was working with for the day offered to help me wash the patient as it was my first time doing it.  The patient was agitated and writhing around in bed as the nurse held down her arms, untied her gown, and exposed her frail, wasted body.  I felt so intrusive being there, witnessing this extraordinarily private moment.  The nurse began washing the patient who continued to writhe around anxiously while yelling words in a language I couldn't understand.  I hated that I couldn't understand what she was saying and I hated that her life had come down to this - lying naked in a hospital bed, completely at the mercy of two strangers.  Then she reached out and grabbed my hand, and I felt my heart split wide open.  She continued to hold onto my hand tightly while the nurse finished washing her.  It was the first time since starting in hospital that I felt like my being there had made a difference to someone.  As I mentioned earlier, I am constantly aware of how much I don't know and can't do yet as a brand new student nurse.  I can't yet give drugs to take away pain or anxiety, I can't catheterize, I can't dress wounds, I can't start an IV, and I know a fraction of a fraction of what nurses are required to know. 

But dammit, I can hold a hand.

Let It Bee

1 week down, 114 to go.

It feels like it was months ago that I was sitting down to write my first post about starting school.  It was a whirlwind  first week and I already feel like my brain is nearing maximum capacity with all the new information I've been cramming into it.  Despite feeling a little bit overwhelmed, I'm happy to report that I'm extremely impressed with the program so far, mainly because of the strong emphasis it places on practical experience.  Case in point: Today - six days into the program - was my first day in hospital and my first patient assignment.  As a student nurse in this program, you get thrown right into the deep and and either sink or swim.  It sounds horrible (and it sort of is) but I think it's the best way to learn.  Already this has been a very different educational experience compared to the five years I spent in university getting my undergraduate degree in psychology; my experience at that university was such that I came away book-smart, street-stupid (Sarah Slean reference, anyone?).  Nursing can't be learned by reading a textbook, you have to get in there and (literally) get your hands dirty.  

That being said, however, it was more than a little anxiety provoking to go into the hospital as a student nurse with 6 days of experience under my belt and be assigned a patient.  Not to mention the fact that my day got off to a bit of a rough start: After meeting up with my clinical group and instructor outside, we were just about to enter the hospital when a giant bee landed on my hand and stung me.  I've never been stung by a bee in my life so of course it had to happen for the first time while I was busy trying to maintain a calm, confident demeanor and not let on to my classmates and instructor that I was terrified.  I yelped, the books that I was carrying went flying, everyone turned and stared.  Awesome.  I'm going to be known as that student who went into anaphylactic shock on the first day of clinical.  I tried not to view it as a bad omen, a sign from the nursing gods that I've made a terrible, terrible mistake by choosing their profession, but I have to admit that the thought crossed my mind. 

As much as I tried not to let it, that stupid bee sting threw me off for the first part of my day.  My hand was swollen and painful, I was distracted by the tiniest sensations in my body thinking that they could be signalling the start of a serious allergic reaction, and I felt embarrassed and upset that the calm, confident demeanor I'd been trying to achieve had been spoiled (because nothing makes you feel confident on your first shift as a student nurse like walking around holding an ice-filled specimen sample bag to your hand). 

I met my patient at the end of the day and got to do some very, very basic nursing care.  The only objectives today for the student nurses were to make sure our patients were breathing (always important), take a radial pulse, do a pain assessment, take a brief health history, and to make sure they were comfortable and safe.  I'm not completely happy with how my patient interview went.  After leaving the room I immediately thought of all the different questions I should have asked, the different ways I could have phrased things, the different things I wished I had done.  But I know I'm being hard on myself - I'm not supposed to be good at this yet.  I wish that a lot of things had gone differently today - starting with not being stung by that damn bee - but I know that I'm doing more of a disservice to my learning by sitting around dwelling on what could have been different than to just let it be, think about what I want to improve on, and try again next week.

The Devil on my Shoulder

There are days when I simply can't wait to put on my running shoes and get outside.  On those days, I crave the rush of endorphins and the sound of my feet on the pavement like an addict jonesing for their next hit. 

Today was not one of those days.

I had my day all planned out: school until 12:30, home by 1:15, run for an hour, homework until 5:00, dinner, go watch Dave's soccer game at 8:30, bedtime at 10:30.  Everything was going according to plan until it was time for my run and I realized that I was exhausted, hungry, and that my bed had never looked cozier or more inviting.  And then I heard it - the little voice of the devil on my shoulder telling me to ditch the run, get in my jammies and take a nap.  Thus began the following battle of wills:  

Just go for a run later this afternoon.  You need some time to relax. 

Once you start relaxing you won't want to stop. 

You've had a stressful couple of days.  You need to take it easy on yourself when you're stressed.

Getting some exercise will help with the stress.  You need this. 

But you're so tired. 

Going for a run will make you feel less tired.

You know what else will make you feel less tired? Having a nap.

If you go for a run, you'll feel so much better afterwards. 

But if you have a nap, you'll feel so much better now.

If you go for a run, you can eat that giant piece of leftover lasagna and not feel as guilty about it. 

You and Dave are getting married - he has to stay with you forever even if you get fat.

OK, forget about running for an hour.  Just go for 20 minutes and then see how you feel.

Just nap for 20 minutes and then see how you feel.

...And so on. 

Sometimes that little voice in my head is just a whisper, other times it screams at me.  I've gotten a lot better at standing up to it and reasoning with it, but it isn't easy and it still gets the better of me sometimes.  But not today.  I didn't end up meeting my goal of running for an hour, but I can live with that.  The thirty minutes that I did run for were amazing - not because I ran particularly fast or far, but because they were my time to lose myself in some good songs and be alone with my thoughts.  

Running, like life, is unpredictable.  There are days when it feels effortless to me and then there are days when one kilometer feels like a marathon.  There are times when I'm struggling to put one foot in front of the other but then something happens - the endorphins kick in, the right song comes on, I pass another runner who gives me a knowing smile of encouragement - that gives me an extra spring in my step.   There are days when I head out thinking it's going to be an amazing run and come home 10 minutes later with stomach cramps and runner's trots (don't laugh - it happens).  And there are days - like today - when I'm tempted to listen to the voice of the devil on my shoulder, but I fight back, get out there, and end up loving every second of it.

And yes, I ate that giant piece of lasagna afterwards...and it was delicious.

The Starting Line

Well, hello there!  

Welcome to my humble little blog, born out of a desire to re-engage with writing as a creative outlet, and to share my experiences as a nursing student who runs to stay sane. Tomorrow at crack of dawn I become a student again and begin the long process of becoming a registered nurse. While I've heard nothing but good things about the program I'm about to start, I fully expect that it will make me cry, make me doubt myself, push me to my limits, and be one of the most challenging things I've ever done.  

I am terrified.

I'm terrified of so many things (What if I faint and/or vomit the first time I have to deal with [insert bodily fluid of your choice]? What if I get a crotchety Nurse Ratched-esque preceptor? And - ohmygod - what if I kill someone?), but right now one of the things I'm most worried about is that I will be unable to balance the demands of nursing school with the non-nursing school parts of my life. I already feel like things are a bit out of balance and I haven't even started the program. The past few weeks have been jam-packed with preparations for my new adventure - CPR re-certification, respirator mask fittings, shopping for scrubs, the 23 (no, that's not a typo) chapters of pre-reading that were assigned for one class, transforming our spare bedroom from Craft Room Extraordinaire into Study Central, and countless other little "to-do's" that just seemed to eat up my days. Throw in a whole bunch of shifts at work and some wedding planning and you have a girl who is exhausted before the real work has even begun.

I know that the focus of my life is about to shift dramatically. I won't be able to do as much pleasure reading because I'll be busy reading textbooks. I won't be able to dedicate as much time to making handmade Christmas cards because I'll be studying for exams. I might have to adjust my expectations about how much time and effort I can put into training for races. I probably won't be able to see my family and friends as much as I would like to. I know that nursing school is about to take over a large part of my life, but I am fiercely determined to not lose those other pieces of me - the running piece, the creative piece, the social piece - in the process.

Which brings me to this blog. My hope for this blog is that it will help me find a balance between all those pieces of my life. I want it to not only be a place for me to process all the emotions and experiences that I go through in my training to become a nurse, but to also be a creative outlet, a place for me to share my love of running, and a way for me to keep in touch with family and friends when I get busy. (And who knows, I might even make some new friends along the way. I've already got one page view from Germany. Keep reading, Germany!)

And with that, I'm off to try and calm the butterflies in my stomach and to take my place at the starting line of the marathon I'm about to begin.

Ready, set, go. Right foot, left foot, repeat...