I know, I know.
I'm the worst blogger ever. There have been so many times in the past month when I wanted to sit down and write, but something always got in the way - an exam, a paper, the overwhelming urge to take a nap. Even now I don't really feel like I have the time to be writing a blog post; the lengthy "to-do" list hanging above my desk is looking down disapprovingly at me and reminding me that I should be studying. But in an effort to keep myself sane, I'm going to ignore the "to-do" list for a little while.
This week will mark the half-way point of the semester and while part of me is celebrating the fact that I've made it this far, the other part is feeling doubtful that I'll be able to keep this pace up for the next two-and-a-half years. It has been a grueling eight weeks and I feel like the stress of this program will take years off my life if I'm not careful about dealing with it effectively. Not that the stress of being a student is anything new to me, though. Writing essays at the last minute, cramming for exams, falling asleep with my face in a textbook, these are all familiar things. I've spent the better part of my life being a student so I know how it goes. It's the practical experience, the two days a week I spend in hospital, that has proved to be the most challenging thing so far.
I feel like I'm playing dress-up when I'm in hospital. When you're in a medical uniform, patients and their families expect you to know what you're doing and look to you for answers. And while I may look the part in my uniform, I am acutely aware of just how little I know and how limited my skills are at this point. I know it's all part of learning and that every nurse was once in the place I am now, but I can't help feeling like a bit of a fraud when I present myself at a patient's bedside. Yes, I'm wearing scrubs and a stethoscope, but if something goes wrong you really don't want me around.
But I don't want to spend any more time focusing on my insecurities (and believe me, there are LOTS more). Instead, I'd like to share my favorite thing that has happened in hospital, and the thing that - if only for a few moments - made me feel like a real nurse.
It happened a few weeks ago when I had to give my first bed bath. We had practiced giving bed baths to the dolls in the simulation lab at school, but no amount of practicing on dolls can prepare you for the first time you have to expose a complete stranger and wash their body. The nurse that I was working with for the day offered to help me wash the patient as it was my first time doing it. The patient was agitated and writhing around in bed as the nurse held down her arms, untied her gown, and exposed her frail, wasted body. I felt so intrusive being there, witnessing this extraordinarily private moment. The nurse began washing the patient who continued to writhe around anxiously while yelling words in a language I couldn't understand. I hated that I couldn't understand what she was saying and I hated that her life had come down to this - lying naked in a hospital bed, completely at the mercy of two strangers. Then she reached out and grabbed my hand, and I felt my heart split wide open. She continued to hold onto my hand tightly while the nurse finished washing her. It was the first time since starting in hospital that I felt like my being there had made a difference to someone. As I mentioned earlier, I am constantly aware of how much I don't know and can't do yet as a brand new student nurse. I can't yet give drugs to take away pain or anxiety, I can't catheterize, I can't dress wounds, I can't start an IV, and I know a fraction of a fraction of what nurses are required to know.
