Let It Bee

1 week down, 114 to go.

It feels like it was months ago that I was sitting down to write my first post about starting school.  It was a whirlwind  first week and I already feel like my brain is nearing maximum capacity with all the new information I've been cramming into it.  Despite feeling a little bit overwhelmed, I'm happy to report that I'm extremely impressed with the program so far, mainly because of the strong emphasis it places on practical experience.  Case in point: Today - six days into the program - was my first day in hospital and my first patient assignment.  As a student nurse in this program, you get thrown right into the deep and and either sink or swim.  It sounds horrible (and it sort of is) but I think it's the best way to learn.  Already this has been a very different educational experience compared to the five years I spent in university getting my undergraduate degree in psychology; my experience at that university was such that I came away book-smart, street-stupid (Sarah Slean reference, anyone?).  Nursing can't be learned by reading a textbook, you have to get in there and (literally) get your hands dirty.  

That being said, however, it was more than a little anxiety provoking to go into the hospital as a student nurse with 6 days of experience under my belt and be assigned a patient.  Not to mention the fact that my day got off to a bit of a rough start: After meeting up with my clinical group and instructor outside, we were just about to enter the hospital when a giant bee landed on my hand and stung me.  I've never been stung by a bee in my life so of course it had to happen for the first time while I was busy trying to maintain a calm, confident demeanor and not let on to my classmates and instructor that I was terrified.  I yelped, the books that I was carrying went flying, everyone turned and stared.  Awesome.  I'm going to be known as that student who went into anaphylactic shock on the first day of clinical.  I tried not to view it as a bad omen, a sign from the nursing gods that I've made a terrible, terrible mistake by choosing their profession, but I have to admit that the thought crossed my mind. 

As much as I tried not to let it, that stupid bee sting threw me off for the first part of my day.  My hand was swollen and painful, I was distracted by the tiniest sensations in my body thinking that they could be signalling the start of a serious allergic reaction, and I felt embarrassed and upset that the calm, confident demeanor I'd been trying to achieve had been spoiled (because nothing makes you feel confident on your first shift as a student nurse like walking around holding an ice-filled specimen sample bag to your hand). 

I met my patient at the end of the day and got to do some very, very basic nursing care.  The only objectives today for the student nurses were to make sure our patients were breathing (always important), take a radial pulse, do a pain assessment, take a brief health history, and to make sure they were comfortable and safe.  I'm not completely happy with how my patient interview went.  After leaving the room I immediately thought of all the different questions I should have asked, the different ways I could have phrased things, the different things I wished I had done.  But I know I'm being hard on myself - I'm not supposed to be good at this yet.  I wish that a lot of things had gone differently today - starting with not being stung by that damn bee - but I know that I'm doing more of a disservice to my learning by sitting around dwelling on what could have been different than to just let it be, think about what I want to improve on, and try again next week.

The Devil on my Shoulder

There are days when I simply can't wait to put on my running shoes and get outside.  On those days, I crave the rush of endorphins and the sound of my feet on the pavement like an addict jonesing for their next hit. 

Today was not one of those days.

I had my day all planned out: school until 12:30, home by 1:15, run for an hour, homework until 5:00, dinner, go watch Dave's soccer game at 8:30, bedtime at 10:30.  Everything was going according to plan until it was time for my run and I realized that I was exhausted, hungry, and that my bed had never looked cozier or more inviting.  And then I heard it - the little voice of the devil on my shoulder telling me to ditch the run, get in my jammies and take a nap.  Thus began the following battle of wills:  

Just go for a run later this afternoon.  You need some time to relax. 

Once you start relaxing you won't want to stop. 

You've had a stressful couple of days.  You need to take it easy on yourself when you're stressed.

Getting some exercise will help with the stress.  You need this. 

But you're so tired. 

Going for a run will make you feel less tired.

You know what else will make you feel less tired? Having a nap.

If you go for a run, you'll feel so much better afterwards. 

But if you have a nap, you'll feel so much better now.

If you go for a run, you can eat that giant piece of leftover lasagna and not feel as guilty about it. 

You and Dave are getting married - he has to stay with you forever even if you get fat.

OK, forget about running for an hour.  Just go for 20 minutes and then see how you feel.

Just nap for 20 minutes and then see how you feel.

...And so on. 

Sometimes that little voice in my head is just a whisper, other times it screams at me.  I've gotten a lot better at standing up to it and reasoning with it, but it isn't easy and it still gets the better of me sometimes.  But not today.  I didn't end up meeting my goal of running for an hour, but I can live with that.  The thirty minutes that I did run for were amazing - not because I ran particularly fast or far, but because they were my time to lose myself in some good songs and be alone with my thoughts.  

Running, like life, is unpredictable.  There are days when it feels effortless to me and then there are days when one kilometer feels like a marathon.  There are times when I'm struggling to put one foot in front of the other but then something happens - the endorphins kick in, the right song comes on, I pass another runner who gives me a knowing smile of encouragement - that gives me an extra spring in my step.   There are days when I head out thinking it's going to be an amazing run and come home 10 minutes later with stomach cramps and runner's trots (don't laugh - it happens).  And there are days - like today - when I'm tempted to listen to the voice of the devil on my shoulder, but I fight back, get out there, and end up loving every second of it.

And yes, I ate that giant piece of lasagna afterwards...and it was delicious.

The Starting Line

Well, hello there!  

Welcome to my humble little blog, born out of a desire to re-engage with writing as a creative outlet, and to share my experiences as a nursing student who runs to stay sane. Tomorrow at crack of dawn I become a student again and begin the long process of becoming a registered nurse. While I've heard nothing but good things about the program I'm about to start, I fully expect that it will make me cry, make me doubt myself, push me to my limits, and be one of the most challenging things I've ever done.  

I am terrified.

I'm terrified of so many things (What if I faint and/or vomit the first time I have to deal with [insert bodily fluid of your choice]? What if I get a crotchety Nurse Ratched-esque preceptor? And - ohmygod - what if I kill someone?), but right now one of the things I'm most worried about is that I will be unable to balance the demands of nursing school with the non-nursing school parts of my life. I already feel like things are a bit out of balance and I haven't even started the program. The past few weeks have been jam-packed with preparations for my new adventure - CPR re-certification, respirator mask fittings, shopping for scrubs, the 23 (no, that's not a typo) chapters of pre-reading that were assigned for one class, transforming our spare bedroom from Craft Room Extraordinaire into Study Central, and countless other little "to-do's" that just seemed to eat up my days. Throw in a whole bunch of shifts at work and some wedding planning and you have a girl who is exhausted before the real work has even begun.

I know that the focus of my life is about to shift dramatically. I won't be able to do as much pleasure reading because I'll be busy reading textbooks. I won't be able to dedicate as much time to making handmade Christmas cards because I'll be studying for exams. I might have to adjust my expectations about how much time and effort I can put into training for races. I probably won't be able to see my family and friends as much as I would like to. I know that nursing school is about to take over a large part of my life, but I am fiercely determined to not lose those other pieces of me - the running piece, the creative piece, the social piece - in the process.

Which brings me to this blog. My hope for this blog is that it will help me find a balance between all those pieces of my life. I want it to not only be a place for me to process all the emotions and experiences that I go through in my training to become a nurse, but to also be a creative outlet, a place for me to share my love of running, and a way for me to keep in touch with family and friends when I get busy. (And who knows, I might even make some new friends along the way. I've already got one page view from Germany. Keep reading, Germany!)

And with that, I'm off to try and calm the butterflies in my stomach and to take my place at the starting line of the marathon I'm about to begin.

Ready, set, go. Right foot, left foot, repeat...