Remember back in August when I pledged my commitment to achieving balance in my life no matter how busy or stressful school got? I wish I could look back on the past three months and say that I kept that promise to myself, but unfortunately if there was one word to describe this semester it would be "unbalanced." The near-impossible pace with which the semester has moved, the piling up of assignments and exams, the late nights and early mornings, and the emotions that come along with dealing with illness and death have all taken a toll on me. Keeping up with the workload and getting good grades have taken up the top spots on my priority list, unfortunately at the expense of exercise, quality time with my loved ones, and other activities that bring me joy. I am the worst kind of student - the kind that burns themselves out studying, gets 90%, and then complains that they didn't get 95%.
On Monday I have an exam on the pathophysiology and genetics of cancer, a huge and complicated topic. Doing well on this exam has become my latest academic obsession. I've spent the last week locked away in my office studying, all the while ignoring the fact that I was sick with a bad cold and needed to rest, snapping at my fiancé if he dared break my concentration, and convincing myself that not doing well on this exam would mean that I was destined to be a bad nurse. I have been eating, sleeping, and breathing intravasation, proto-oncogenes, prostate specific antigen levels, lymphomas, mesotheliomas, and countless other "omas."
Two days ago I learned that my sister-in-law's best friend had passed away after a three month battle with lung cancer. She was 21.
Hearing that news turned my world upside-down, my world that has been so focused on pushing myself as hard as I possibly can to achieve academic greatness, even if it comes at the expense of my physical and mental health, my relationships, and my general sense of well-being. This is the kind of news that shakes you to the core and makes you question the balance of the universe.
How incredibly unfair it is that the biggest concern in my life right now is doing well on an exam about cancer while my sister-in-law and countless other people that knew and loved this beautiful girl are mourning the loss of a life to it. How completely random and incomprehensible that, for whatever reason, I get to wake up tomorrow morning and live another day while someone else does not.
Though I wish the circumstances surrounding it were different, I needed this dose of perspective. I needed something to force me to take a look at my priorities and the way I'm living my life right now. School is important, my exam on Monday is important, but living my life in a way that puts these things as top priorities isn't sustainable. I can't even begin to make sense of the tragedy that has touched the lives of this young girl's many loved ones, but what I will take away from it is this: life is short. That phrase gets thrown around a lot, so much so that I feel like it's become a bit of a cliché. But all it takes is a situation like this one to make you realize the terrifying and liberating truth that life can be taken away in an instant.
When one foot starts getting overworked shift weight slightly to other foot to accommodate. Life is fraught with challenges, but you've got the right idea — balance is everything, and eventually we all ride without training wheels. You write well Caity!
ReplyDeleteGo tell someone that you love them - this is the one piece of advice that will help to balance out the rest of your life and keep what is important in perspective. Life is short-live each day with passion, purpose, love and balance and know that family and friends are a blessing. I love you Caity.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words and support. When Maud was diagnosed she told me that she saw it as not just a hurdle, but a gift - because it taught her that she must live her life to the fullest, exactly as she wanted to. Now that's perspective. But that's the type of person she was. The best thing you could ever do for her, me, and her family is to finish what she started: live your life to the fullest. I wish I didn't have to lose my best friend to realize how short life is, but other people don't have to. Much love.
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